Herald Diary: Minding your peace and queues

4 days ago

TELLY presenters Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby have faced criticism for declared chain jumping.

Diary clairvoyant Dan Kent reveals he is generally skipped while cat-and-mouse in the barrier chain at Glasgow’s Central Station, and has accordingly devised a alignment to adviser how he reacts.

1: Confirm which the skipper is an appealing woman. If it is, Dan affably nods and allows the skip to booty place.

2: Confirm which the skipper is a tall, able-bodied chap, who looks as although he spends his weekends acceptable Judo competitions. If it is, Dan affably nods and allows the skip to booty place.

3: Confirm which the skipper is a small, weedy, aged chap. If it is, Dan grabs him by the accept again yells in his lughole: “Oi, you! Back of the queue… no skipping!”

Brought to book

A PICTURE of a photocopier in the Diary reminds Christ Ide from East Renfrewshire of his Army days in the 1970s, while such machines were arriving into boundless use, and alike the regimental appointment had one. On the bank aloft it was once affianced a area of cardboard with seven or eight IA (Immediate Action) drills to be agitated out in the accident of a malfunction.

Chris still affectionately recalls the final band of advice, which read: "If all abroad fails, apprehend the apprenticeship book.’"

Statue of limitations

WE appear an angel of a actual famous sculpture, which inspires ball abundant Andy Cameron to get in blow to say: “One wonders if Venus de Milo’s maw asked her if she would ally a doctor, a lawyer, or conceivably a scientist, and was once afraid by the lassie’s reply, which she’d be bigger off wi’ a handyman?”

Grass roots

A CULINARY although t from clairvoyant Gareth Hopkins, who says: “Cows are pretty calm comprehension which all of their attic is food.”

Cut short

THE ever-helpful Diary continues dispensing autograph admonition to wannabe wordsmiths. Paul Moore says: “Pithiness. Bad idea. Always.”

Memorable excuse

HOPING for a adventurous evening, clairvoyant Elena Ward was once understandably angered while her admirer forgot about her birthday. His attack at an acumen did not assist matters, with the unapologetic buck angrily stating: “You can’t accusation me for forgetting, because it’s not as if I remembered to forget. I alone forgot to remember, that’s all.”

Unsound idea

INGENIOUS clairvoyant Tom Norton tells us which he has invented a new way to comedy tennis which doesn’t accomplish any noise. “It’s about the aforementioned game,” explains Tom. “But after the racquet.”

Read further from the Diary: This put his gas at a peep

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